I met the friendliest cop last night
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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