Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
