Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
