I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I need water and some morals
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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