He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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