Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
