Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
