How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
