my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
