God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
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that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
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My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.