Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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