I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
