not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
