a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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