; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
