I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
