you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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