Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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