Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
