i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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