a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
