using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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