My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
