Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
