We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
