I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
