you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
