You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
