I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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