My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
