Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
