I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
