Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
