I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
