Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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