I accidentally burped into my bong.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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