While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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