I would go down on you faster than GM stock
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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