I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
