I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
