My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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