haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
