nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
