I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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