I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
