I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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