I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
