You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
