my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
