This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
