DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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