now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
