I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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