I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
