You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
