I showed him my bush... on skype.
you traded sex for a burrito?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
